This blog is taking a new direction

I get that fresh start I've always dreamed of soon. I head off to college.. only a handful of kids will know me.. and I won't talk to most of the handful. I can be myself now. I can be someone else. I can be anything. What is it I want to be though?

I can't really be myself because I don't know who I am. From hour to hour and day to day I change into a different person, and I don't mean slight changes as I grow and mature. I mean serious changes that completely affect my lifestyle. One minute I love my friends and never want to leave. The next minute I hate them all and pray I can get rid of them as soon as possible. One minute I love nature. The next minute I wish with all my heart I was living in New York. One minute I swear drugs and drinking turn me into a horrible person, and I must stop. The next minute I think they're the only things that keep me alive. One minute I'm happy. The next minute I'm ready to write a suicide note. Every time I turn a new corner I have a new self realization, but every new self realization contradicts the previous one. How do I form a character from this? How do I be myself.. when myself is pulling me in two opposite directions? One second I'm happy as can be.. and I swear to god a second later I'll be so angry I want to scream at someone. I don't though because I'm so good at holding everything in. No one has any clue the kind of thoughts and feelings that linger in me.. because I neutralize such thoughts and feelings before I let them out. One minute I'm praying I'll be shipped off to a mental institution.. the next minute I swear there's absolutely nothing wrong with me at all.

Every time I strive for something I remember how pointless it is. Then I give up. Then I beat myself up for giving up. I could've gotten into NYU, but I didn't try hard enough. I gave up on school, and when I was ready to try again, I had already failed. If I would've stayed in there just a little longer before fucking up, things would have been different. I make myself fail. I make myself this ambivalent fuck up. How can I change that? How can I be someone else?

Friendships or any other form of relationship is based on facades. How do you present yourself to the other person? It's not about who you are. It's about who you show people you are. It's a deceitful game. Some people are aware of this deceit... like when friends I knew tried to pick up girls and made up endless lies to get them... but once they got them they were devoted boyfriends.. they just built a foundation of lies. Others aren't away they're doing this... they date.. they think they are in love... they form friendships.. end said friendships a day later.. but they have no clue that it's all fake. Friendships are about pretending to be something you're not in order to please another person. Who can I be? I'm never happy with who I pretend to be.. and who I pretend to be always attracts the wrong people. The friends that don't think they are being deceitful and think they care about me.. I don't care about. I hate them. I want them to go away. The friends I do care about though.. they know it's not real.. they know it's only a temporary game.. they use me.. and I long to pretend everything I've said in this blog is false. There's no winning.

One minute I want to hang out with friends all the time. The next minute I want to lock myself in a room and never communicate with anyone EVER AGAIN!


So you read this. Tell me who I am. And tell me who I should pretend to be.
I don't have any ideas anymore.

Dare I get personal?

Might as well.. who actually reads this that knows me?


I've been wearing long sleeves later. It's the first time since... *thinks really hard*... the spring semester of ninth grade. Listen... it's been years of wearing long sleeved black t shirts or jackets in a north carolina summer. I can't bear it anymore.. and all because of a miserable past? It's over.. well somewhat over.. and I'm tired of having to suffer for it. So I'm wearing short sleeves. You wanna stare.. fucking stare. I don't care. I'm leaving.. I won't be here anymore.. I don't need to worry about condemning eyes or pity.

I still have to worry about family though.. which is why my heart sunk into my chest when my niece stops and asks me "what happened to your arm?" And worst off.. she stops and asks me when my mom is standing there. I kept mouthing to her "shut up" I think eventually she got the picture. Still.. she's young.. she looks up to me still.. and I don't want her to have to face the reality of my past. I want her to think I'm innocent and strong. It hurt me the first time I realized Melanie used to cut herself. I don't want to think of her hurting. She's my sister. And I am nicoles aunt. This is a side of me she should never have to see. And especially not yet. But now I have explaining to do.